Struggle for perfection
by merdarkandtwisty
Summary: Leaving Seattle Grace Mercy West was the hardest thing she'd ever done but April didn't know where else to turn. Ohio seems to be the only answer. Jackson didn't want to let her go but it seemed like the only answer at the time. Set after season 8 finale.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Grey's anatomy

She felt like she'd fallen two years into the past. Only this time it was so much worse. This time Lexie was dead, Mark was on life support and Arizona was going to lose her leg. Derek's hand was shredded and Cristina couldn't even look at anyone. Yes everything was so much worse. April stood at the grave site of Lexie Grey. Tears gathered in her eyes. As she looked at the lowering casket. Her eyes pulled away from the shiny wood and landed on Jackson. Jackson who was going to Tulane. Everyone was scattering across the country. She felt so alone she had failed her boards and she had no offers. The only thing she could do was go home. Home to her parents as a failure. She was always the good daughter the one who stayed on the straight and narrow. The daughter who became a surgeon the daughter who her parents bragged about and now she was coming home after failing her boards and no longer a virgin. This wasn't what she ever imagined her home coming to be.

Jackson looked across the graveyard his eyes landing on her red hair. She was leaving this evening going to Ohio going home to his family and he should be going to New Orleans but he couldn't not with Sloan in the condition he was in. He wasn't going to leave now and he wished he could tell her that he was staying and beg her to stay to but he couldn't. Something inside of him stopped him. Maybe it was the crushed look in her eyes every time they landed on him. Maybe it was the guilt that he was still feeling over taking her virginity he had been the experienced one he'd known April he should have stopped her but he couldn't. and he didn't regret it because she was April and he'd always had a soft spot for her. And Lexie was dead and he didn't know what to think. His world was falling in on it's self.

She stood at the terminal and looked at him wanting to say so much but staying quite wanting to say that she loved him but stopping herself. So all she was goodbye.

He watched her go and his heart felt like it was going to explode from the pain she was walking away and he wanted to grab her and tell her to stay to help him rebuild the fractured family at Seattle Grace- Mercy West but he couldn't he had to let her leave to fix her own shattered heart.

She watched the clouds drift past her plane window and she thought that soon she'd be back in Ohio embraced in the warmth of her family at least until she told them the truth of what had happened and what had sent her running home.

He looked out his window at the Seattle skyline and pictured her above the clouds he closed his eyes and tried to conjure up a picture of her. He felt like it had been years instead of hours since he'd seen her face.

Both of them were struggling for perfection turning in to separate directions both desperately wanting to be together but not knowing how to tell each other the truth. Not willing to hurt again or anymore. Perfection might shatter them even more if they weren't careful.

A/N this is just the prologue the other chapters will be longer but I wanted you to see where both of the characters where coming from as we go into the story.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Grey's anatomy

April looked around the airport trying to catch sight of someone she'd recognize she'd told her mother she'd be home today but Karen Kepner hadn't told her who would be to pick her up at the Airport. She would guess her Father but as she looked around she didn't see him, and Joe Kepner was hard to miss a big jolly man who was fond of plaid.

"April, April over here. " She turned around to see her youngest sister Alice waving her down.

"Hey Alice." April hugged her youngest sister. Sagging slightly into her.

"Come on Ducky we have to get home mom has a huge dinner planned." Alice moved her towards the car. April cringed at the horrible adolescent nickname.

"Right coming." April grabbed her things from baggage claim and got into her sisters car. "How is Lucas?"

"Fine." Alice said pulling out of the parking lot and heading the two hours towards Moline. Alice had married Lucas Nolan only two years ago after meeting him in undergrad. The ride was mostly silent as they drove towards the home they'd shared as a child. "So what sends you home Apes? Mom said you failed your boards."

"Yeah," April turned her head towards the window unwilling to look at her sister. "Things just got Crazy." She didn't elaborate her mind flashing with images of Jackson and a hotel room in San Francisco.

"I heard there was a plane crash."

"Yes there was." April swallowed turning towards her sister. "I don't want to talk about it though ok I just I can't." Now it was pictures of Lexie flashing through her mind.

"Right fine ok." Alice kept her eyes trained on the road. Her older sister was certainly shut down more then usually she watched her from the corner of her eye trying to figure out what was wrong. A tense silence surrounded them until the moment they pulled into the Kepner driveway. "Well we're home." Alice shut the car off and April looked up at it tears forming in her eyes she opened the car door and stood on the gravel driveway looking at the house of her childhood. Alice walked around her shaking her head and heading into the house.

"Where's your sister?" Karen Kepner asked her youngest daughter.

"Standing in the driveway staring at the house." Karen dried her hands from where she was washing the dishes and headed outside. Seeing her daughter standing so frozen.

"April sweetie." April's head whipped towards her mother.

"Mom." Her lips quivered and her eyes filled with unshed tears. "Oh mommy." She flung herself into her mother's arms as soon as she was close enough. Sobbing into her mother's shoulder like she was ten years old again.

"Shh baby I've got you." Karen wrapped her arms firmly around her most fragile yet strongest daughter and held her tightly. When she'd called and said that she'd failed her boards and was coming home Karen's heart sank and then she'd heard about the plane crash and it shattered her poor baby who was all the way in Seattle was hurting and there had been nothing she could do for her. Now here she was standing front of her and Karen still felt so helpless.

"Why are you staring out the window?" Alice jumped and whirled around looking guiltily at her father.

"Um April is out there?" she pointed out the kitchen window.

"And you're staring why?" Joe shook his head at his youngest daughter as he headed towards the door to greet his second born.

"No Reason I have to go Luke will be home soon." Alice grabbed her keys and left the house headed towards her own. As she pulled out of the driveway she took on last look at her sister and almost felt a tiny bit of pleasure did she want her sister to hurt no but it was good to see the perfect April parental favorite knocked off her pedestal for once.

Joe Kepner stopped in his tracks taking in the picture of his daughter wrapped in the arms of his wife. He walked towards them. "Hey Baby girl." He pulled her out of her mothers embrace and into his own. He kissed her forehead as she snuggled into his embrace remembering him of the times when she was a little girl and would get hurt and crawl on his lap.

"Hey Daddy." She pulled back and looked into his eyes. He noticed the tear tracks on her face and he brushed them away.

"No reason to cry baby girl you'll get back on track you're resilient we've always known that."

"Yeah." April tried to smile but it wobbled. How did she tell her parents how much she'd messed up how did she tell them about Jackson did she tell them the whole story.

"You inside with your Mama and I'll get your things." He smiled at her as he handed her back over to her mothers care. Karen wrapped her arms around April's shoulders and pulled her inside. "I made lots of food I'm sure you're starving after that flight.

"I could eat." April said finally collapsing onto one of the kitchen chairs. Karen bustled around the kitchen putting food on a plate and sliding it in front of April before taking a seat beside her. They both looked up as Joe came in with April's things taking them upstairs and then coming back down.

"Well girls I'm off to do the chores." He stopped before walking out the door. "It's good to have you home Sweetie." He smiled at April he'd never say it but April was and would always be his favorite.

As Joe walked out of the house Karen looked back at her daughter. "So April what is the full story." She looked into her daughters Hazel eyes almost able to read the secrets hidden in the depths.

April shook as she looked at her mother what would her mother say would she stop talking to her would she stop loving her. She started to shake as she looked at her mother her hands wrapped around each other as she tried to get the courage to speak. She opened her mouth and closed it she shook her head and closed her eyes tightly a tear leaking out of the corner. She opened her eyes and looked into her mothers. "I made a mistake." She whispered into the crackling air.

A/N thanks to those that reviewed this story. Caution if you read any farther there is spoilers for episode 10x11 So after tonight's episode I really don't like her sisters but way to go for her standing up to them. So as to not make her sisters total witches I'm going with the jealousy theory as you see with the Alice scene I wrote all the sisters will be married in this I know we only know for sure that Kimmie is married but Alice does say that they've all had sex so I'm guessing both her and Libby are also married.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own Grey's anatomy

"What do you mean a mistake, what type of mistake?" Karen wanted to reach out and caress her baby's face like she had when she'd been a little girl but she feared April would break down into a puddle of tears if she did.

April bit her lip so hard she could taste the blood against her tongue. She swallowed "I…." she trialed of and grabbed her mother's hand. "Please don't hate me." She pleaded.

"Never." Karen shook her head.

"I slept with someone I slept with Jackson."

Karen felt shook run though her body as she stared at her second born. She hadn't expected that to come out of April's mouth. "April." She whispered.

"I knew you would hate me." April sobbed shaking her head as tears poured down her face.

"No, No I don't hate you." Karen grabbed her shoulders and pulled her into a hug she held her against her shoulder running her hands through her hair. "I could never hate you." Karen pulled away and looked into April's eyes. Seeing the pain confusion and guilt residing there. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"It was during our boards I don't know why it happened but it did and I regret it on some levels but on others I don't think I could ever regret it. I know that doesn't make any sense."

"No baby I think it makes perfect sense." Karen thought of her own young adult hood. "I wasn't a virgin when I married your father." She let that piece of information go a piece of information she'd never shared with any of her daughters.

"What?" April looked at her mother shell shocked.

"It wasn't your father either. "It was a guy I met during college. I won't say who but I slept with him I cared for him but it didn't work out I don't regret it thought and your father knows the story and he still loves me I love your father but I think that I missed my chance with the other guy I could have had something amazing with him and well I don't regret my decisions now I did for a long time regret not trying with him. So April baby if you love Jackson or think for even a second you guys could work out you need to go for it. You may one day find someone else to love but Jackson could by your one. Don't let this make you leave him."

"He's going to Tulane and I'm here." April laughed bitterly.

"If it's meant to happen it will." Karen smiled at her daughter. She had a feeling call it mothers intuition that the story of Jackson and April was far from over.

"Can we keep this between just me and you?" April asked looking pleadingly at her mother. She really didn't want her father or sisters to know about the sorry state of her life.

"Sure. Now why don't you get some sleep you look exhausted."

"I am." April kissed her mother's cheek and smiled tightly. "Thanks for the talk mom."

"Any time." Karen watched her daughter walk up the stairs.

"is it safe to come inside?" Joe peaked around the door.

Karen nodded. "How much of that did you hear?"

"Nothing I swear. Is she ok?"

"She will be."

April collapsed on her childhood bed and stared at the ceiling. Memories of that night flashed through her mind. Memories of Jackson's skin under her hands his lips on hers. And she sighed rolling onto her side and hugging her pillow. Wishing it was Jackson she was holding. She thought of what her mother had told her and shook her head. She'd ruined her chance she knew that but she wished she hadn't. but like she'd told her mother she was here in Ohio and Jackson was in Seattle soon to go New Orleans even if she wanted it wouldn't work between them it couldn't work between them. She wondered what was going on In Seattle and she'd picked up her phone to text someone anyone be it Meredith or Alex Cristina or even Jackson but as she stared at the phone she couldn't bring herself to do it. Her life was in Ohio now and she'd have to learn to deal with that reality.

A/N thanks to those that reviewed next chapter we go back to Seattle Grace and see what Jackson is feeling thinking and doing. Please review.


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